Hey Guys,
Hope you are all well and enjoying the sunshine (or the rain, depending on where you are). I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and danced in the rain without an umbrella. I know, I know, it's a crazy thing to do, but it's fun, nonetheless. Also, rain here isn't that cold, and when you are down by the sea, looking into nothingness, it makes you rethink your life and all the choices you made.
I am not a fan of 'could I have done better' and 'what if I did this', but I must admit, this time nostalgia got hold of me. I thought about all the times I screwed up, but also about all the times life knocked me down and I got up. Not unscathed, but stronger and more adamant on making it work.
This time, I thought about all the places I could have ended up in, should I have made a decision a minute earlier or later. Yes, many times during the past years the way my future was shaped depended on mere minutes. Was it meant to be this way, or could I have chosen a different path? Would the outcome be different?
As you probably know, I'm a huge fan of big questions like this. Especially when it comes to love. I remember the first time I was in love as a teenager. Back then I dreamed of this guy, placing him on a pedestal, even though I knew nothing about him. The way he smiled at me was enough to get my imagination going, and I was in love with him for three years without exchanging more than a couple of words.
Sounds familiar?
I thought so. I think we have all been there, done that - many times. I thought back on all the times when I thought I found the one, only to realise that I couldn't have been more wrong. In fact, I almost ended up marrying the wrong person for the same reasons.
It's easy to settle for second best, when you don't know what you are looking for, or when you think you know - in my opinion, that's even worse. And then let's not even go down the route of choosing the wrong person because you lack self-confidence or because you think that's all you deserve.
I know I can't go back and change things, but I thought I could write this post as a late advice to my younger self.
You are enough.
You are smart, beautiful and more than capable of doing anything you set your heart to.
You deserve the best.
You see how different our life choices would be if we kept repeating these over and over. No more bad decisions, no more heartache.
Although, I do believe that all the pain lead to who I am now. It formed me, made me stronger, but it also made me appreciate what I have now. If it wasn't for all the frogs I kissed, then I probably wouldn't have kissed my Prince Charming, or I wouldn't have appreciated him the way he deserves.
The way I deserve.
But anyway, that's enough of me being soppy and nostalgic. I don't know what got into me. It could be the recent Full Moon or something in the air. But yeah, I have been quite emotional lately, so please forgive me.
I have also been watching a lot of movies and read a few books (although I must admit that the past weeks saw me do the former more often than the latter), and found one I really liked. It was called 'To all the boys I ever loved'. I highly recommend that you check it out if you haven't done so, as it's way more than just a chick flick (but if that's your thing, it's perfect for that purpose, too).
I don't want to ruin the surprise, but the bottom line is that the main character has been in love many times before, and every time she wrote a letter to the boy she loved. She never told them though, keeping them a secret (but I'm not going to reveal more, so instead I will move on to what the movie reminded me of).
I used to have a favourite poet when I was younger, and I couldn't help but notice that he wrote his poems in three distinctive styles. He only wrote about love, but one third of his poems involved a lot of heartache, while the other parts were more platonic and the third one was hinting at an actual relationship.
At first, I thought he was simply going through the stages of being in love then getting married, etc. But then I did my research and found out that the poems were years apart. Still, I think the most striking discovery was the fact that he wrote them for three different women.
So, he was in love three different times, declaring his undying love to all three women.
Of course, I didn't know much about love back then, so I felt angry with him. I even felt betrayed, even though the poems weren't about me and I never met the guy. I mean, how could he have done this? It somehow felt like his poems weren't true anymore. How could he declare undying love for one, then a few years later promise the same to another, when he knew it wasn't going to last?
Back then, I thought that only true love could inspire art, and I refused to believe that someone could be inspired by more than one muse. I was a true believer in Romeo and Juliet, and everything that came along with it.
And then life taught me that things aren't always black and white, and they certainly aren't that simple.
I found out that the poet truly loved all three women, but life prevented him from being with two of them - one died, and the other one was engaged to someone else by the time they met.
I also found out over the years that we fall in love in the most awkward places, and with people we never knew could be our matches. And I learnt that every love felt real while it lasted.
But something still shocked me, and this realisation came to me after I watched the movie and thought back on my favourite poet.
You see, I myself used to write poetry, and although they weren't always love sonnets, many of them were indeed. And guess what? I got inspired by every love I felt, and I got inspired by them in different ways. Some of them taught me how to write about pain and suffering, while others inspired me to grab pen and paper when I felt so much longing it almost consumed me.
Now, having re-visited my old poems, I have to realise that I couldn't have written about such a wide range of emotions if I only focused on one of the men I loved. I needed to experience (and write about) it all in order to produce the wide range of poems I did.
It doesn't make any of them less real, or less meaningful, on the contrary. While reading every poem, every snippet, I felt the pain, the longing, the love again. Not towards the particular person, but in general.
Because what those people inspired me to write speaks to everyone who ever went through similar stuff. People can relate to it, because, they, too, have been in love many times before.
I think I will translate them all and bundle them into a book, but without the time stamps, because I also realised that they don't matter. I created something universal, something that transcends time.
I finally get it now, and I have that poet to thank for that. I just wish that someone, some day will look at my poetry and say 'oh, I felt that, I'm glad I'm not alone'.
P.S. Has anyone ever inspired you to create art? Would you care to share?
Until next time,
Love,
Timea