Best, Worst & Dirtiest Pick Up Lines

A Hot Summer Vacation

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Hey guys,

It's been a long time! How have you been? My time was well spent, albeit not always writing. There is that outside world, you know, the one that keeps nagging you to step out into it, to explore, to have fun, to live. Well, sometimes I go there, step out of my writing den, and let life happen to me. And it happened this time as well. I spent a lovely summer in my homeland with my parents, and it couldn't have been sunnier. In every possible sense of the word.

But now I'm back to my 'regular' self, exploring life's sexual side (at least on paper). And what better way to get back into the game, then by re-reading some of my stories? This always makes me feel like I’m part of something bigger, something wonderful, something sexy.

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To Pick Up or Not To Pick Up, That Is The Question

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All in all, as I was sitting there reading, a question popped to my mind. Do my readers like my pick up lines? Aren’t they cheesy? Aren’t they pathetic? But then again, aren’t all attempts at picking someone up pathetic in themselves?

We are standing there, looking at the subject of our affection, while our body takes on a life of its own. Our legs start to tremble, our heart attempts to win a race, and our vision becomes cloudy. We have selective hearing, and selective sight, only being able to concentrate on how he (or she) moves, talks, flips their hair. Oh, those cute dimples, that sexy ass waiting for you to dig your claws in…

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Will This Sh*t Work?

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Yeah, no wonder people aren’t able to think straight, let alone come up with a nice pick up line, right? It’s a miracle if we manage to talk (and survive our body’s epidemic signals). Phew. This got me wondering, whether others do it better. Not necessarily in stories, but in real life. Well, I found some funny pick up lines, while others made me cringe. I mean, seriously? Does anyone actually use them? And do they work?

I’m not an expert, but I know I wouldn’t fall for many of those. But then again, if one of my characters actually climbed down from the pages and wanted to seduce me, well… Let’s just say that I wouldn’t really care what pick up line they chose. Okay, so until I can use real magic and summon one of the Greek Gods from Squirm Under my Watch or Truth or Dare, I will just share the pick up lines I found the funniest. And best, worst, dirtiest. Here you go:

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1, Smile, if you want to have sex with me.

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I bet this works all the time! I mean, how couldn’t it? Should one be crying when a guy tells them to smile? It's a reflex, something that we can't always control. Although it takes a lot of muscles to do so, it is still the most natural thing in the world. Isn't it cruel to take advantage of that? What will be next? Say cheese and I will put something nice in your mouth? Hold on, someone might have invented that, too.

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2, Do you want to have good sex? [No!] Well then come to my place!

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Are they suggesting that if we want bad sex, then we should jump at the offer? Again, does anyone actually go for this? Or is it like the rules of Murphy, and whatever they say, the opposite registers in our brain? After all, the Universe doesn’t hear negative words, either. So, ’no’ means ’yeah, give me more’, and ’yes’ means ’I want more’. Hmm, they might be onto something here…

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3, You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.

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Just imagine someone say this to Melissa Gordon. She would send a bunch of angry ghosts their way, that's for sure. Cat whisperer? Please, I bet that guy wouldn't even be able to talk to that cat, let alone whisper. A bit cliché, but I guess it could still work on a crazy cat lady. Mind you, the guy might end up having to feed 50 cats in the end. Fifty shades of the cat whisperer, uncensored. Purr.

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4, You’re like my little toe, because I’m going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.

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This actually made me chuckle. If the guy had such good humor, maybe that would be enough to get the girl’s knickers to come down. Maybe. But then again, that mentioned toe hurts like hell whenever its being banged around. Ouch, no thanks! Not to mention that the cooker must be really uncomfortable. And what about the shoe rack or the coffee table?

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5, I want you to be the girl who takes my virginity.

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Seriously? Hasn’t he heard that even real witches aren’t that powerful? Nobody can go back in time (yet). He should check back after a few centuries, maybe then this will work. But until then, I'm afraid they will just have to stick to their best friend (their right hand). I might be a bit harsh though, and this is a sweet, innocent guy, who has never had sex in his life. What are you saying? That you have no idea why that could be?

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I hope you enjoyed my selection, I will try to add extra ones later as and when I stumble upon them. Don’t forget to let me know what you think of these. Would they work on you? Would you use them? What is the best-worst-dirtiest pick up line you ever heard-said?

Love,

Timea x

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