No sex for years - or how to get back into the saddle
- Timea Tokes
- Feb 5, 2021
- 4 min read
They say sex is like riding a bike: you go out of practice, but you never forget.
Well, most of us experienced a few things we wish we could forget, and for many, that's the main reason why they choose to become celibate for months or even years. Sometimes all it takes is an inconsiderate lover or a cheating husband, and voila, irreparable damage is done. As long as there are batteries on Earth, men are not needed, right?
Believe it or not, I've been there, done that, have the T-shirt to prove it. There was a time (a very long time) in my life when I didn't have sex. Like not at all. No funny business, no drama. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't my first choice, but it was partly my doing. I wanted too much from a relationship, and ended up being ghosted. The sad thing about it was that I didn't even realise what was happening until it was too late.
And then, when realisation hit, I shut down all emotions. I didn't crave sex or human touch, because I felt betrayed. But there are plenty other reasons why someone doesn't want sex, and some women only experience steamy encounters in the books they read, so, understandably, they stick with that instead of trying out the so-called 'real thing'.
And for a while, it works. I was fine with the way things were, too. I accepted my fate and although it wasn't my choice, it became my life and my decision to keep it that way. It was easier and safer. Without men, I couldn't get hurt. I simply couldn't risk letting anyone close enough to break my heart. I guess I just didn't trust men enough to believe they wouldn't.
Enjoying single life to the fullest, I was happy - or content at least. But even if not doing the nasty is your own choice, there comes a time when loneliness begins to creep in. When that happens, there is no amount of self-care and pampering that can help. But still, there was a big issue.
I wanted to be someone's first choice, not second best.
You see, during that time I spent on my own, I developed a sense of self-worth. Because I spent most of my time contemplating of what should happen next, I learnt to love myself and expect that from others, too. I realised that most of my relationships didn't work, because I didn't respect myself enough, so I couldn't possibly expect others to respect or love me.
I had to love and respect myself first.
And when I finally did, whoever treated me like I was anything less than what I was worth didn't stand a chance. It took a really special person to convince me that I needed someone - and I don't regret that decision to this day. I found my soulmate and the sex is amazing - just like in the books I read and write.
I'm not saying that you should take a break from sex or that you should wait for that special someone. Far from it. Sex is a natural part of life, and it defines who we are. But there is a difference between having sex for the sake of it and doing it because it feels right.
Don't you want to experience desire that overwhelms you, leaves you breathless? A desire that you can't get enough of? Well, my advice is this: never settle for anything less. And again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have sex until Mr Right comes along. Sometimes all you need is Mr Right Now. But the point is that if you know that you aren't getting what you need, you should be able to let go.
Now back to the main question.
Even though I found the right person, it still wasn't easy. Sex might be like riding a bike, but even so, you do forget certain things. Like how fast the bike can go, or how low the pedals are... Anyway, getting back into the saddle isn't just about making that decision. That's just the beginning, even if it seems like the most difficult step.
And of course, different methods work for different people.
Some swear that never falling off the saddle is the best solution, or getting back in it straight away, head held high. But if you do find yourself out of practice, then, well, in my opinion, that's what you should do: practice. Grab a bunch of batteries (rechargeable ones are the best) and find out what works best for you.
I also found that honest communication is key. Especially if you missed out on quite some time, you don't want to waste the next few months (or heaven forbid; years) on being shy about what you want and not getting it. Unfortunately for us, men can't read our minds (yet), so if you don't speak up, it's very likely that they won't know whether they are on the right path or not.
Let's face it: we all know how to fake an orgasm, but that shouldn't be the goal here. If you wanted that, you might as well stick with the battery-operated boyfriends and choose the colour and size, right?
Tell your partner what you truly crave, and see what he can offer. He might surprise you - I know my partner did.
And remember, you might need to kiss a few frogs before Prince Charming comes along, but that's okay. And, in the meantime, there are plenty of erotica books you can read to give you some pointers. Have a look at what Kindle Unlimited has to offer - you get 30 days free with the link below, and I get a little bonus, too.
Comments